My thoughts scattered...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007
2:23:58 PM
Johannesburg, South Africa
Duncan B Taylor

I had a lot to say yesterday and focused on my relationships and feelings regarding my achievements and future. So I may have overdone it, as today starts off sluggishly and without conviction. For the sake of clarity and adjusting my thoughts for today, I wish to elaborate a bit further with respect to what led to my return from the USA.

I have an adventuresome personality and to my own detriment have always pushed that aside for the breadwinner role and career orientated approach. Yes I achieved within those parameters but in so doing failed myself as a person. At the age of thirty nine I made the startling discovery that I had achieved ninety percent of my objectives in life namely; Power at work [National Sales and Operations manager for two sister companies and General Manager of a third at the same time] My salary structure ensured that I fell into the top ten percent of the earnings ladder within South Africa, I drove a luxury vehicle and owned my own property. I had five percent shares in Cape Towns most popular nightclub worth a substantial amount of money. I had a wonderful girlfriend with whom I had spent the last twelve years with and generally things were going according to plan.

So when asking myself why I was unhappy it dawned on me that the chase would never stop. The money was never enough, the hours at work fell way short of what I needed to complete my work properly and my hours at home or rather the lack of them led to unhappiness. So I naively started delegating at work and shifting the focus to working smarter rather than harder. The directors took offense as I was doing what was right and legal rather than what was financially beneficial for the company and relationships started to sour. With my resignation came a lot of resentment and I lost my company service package, and seeing as the owner of the company and the nightclub being one and the same person I lost my shares in the night club. My home life continued its downward spiral and to appease certain demands I sold my property at the wrong time and for a price that was way below its market value. I resigned my employment in order to accommodate more time at home and moved into a rental. Please understand that there were various contributing factors and this was not the only factor, but a large contributing factor none the less. So here I am unemployed, no fixed assets and unhappy at home. And the strangest thing happened, no one cared! Ten years of commitment and support and no one noticed when I fell out of the scene. No one phoned, or enquired about my progress or health or even what had happened to me. Then to compound matters I had a motorcycle accident that cost me my employment I had with my new employer of three months. I fractured three toes and banged up my leg, which necessitated a cast which stopped me from getting around. So one of the only options available was for me to go into business for myself, So I registered and started Squires Lens Photography. I had the passion and I had the tools. But the money made from the sale of the property which was sold to start the business was claimed by my other half and I struggled on from there.

The business needed money, which I did not have so I made do. It never took off the way it could have and my world slowly fell apart. No money equals no progress and without that my life force disintegrated. I gave up and salvaged what I could financially by selling off my two vehicles and I returned my motorcycle to the bank with my tail between my legs. I split up with my partner of thirteen years with the logic in mind that she would be better off without a bum for a partner and I moved to my parents place in Johannesburg and sold everything of value and called in any monetary favors owing and collected as much as I could and then flew to America for six months. In those six months I have learnt a lot and have definitely moved on. No regrets and no hang ups excepting in the relationship arena. I am who I am and no more pretending or illusions filter through my mind. Like me for who I am and accept that I am as screwed up as the next human. I have been through enough, and at the same time fully realize that it could be far worse. So regretfully I have had to leave things behind and gratefully I have had to leave things behind, if that makes any sense at all.

I have been back in South Africa for four days now and I am starting all over again. I have started with no expectations and will endeavor to take everything in my stride. Face the day with a smile on my face and do the best that I can. I am far from defeated and consider this as my return after half time. I am after all only a player in this entire game of life. The sound current that I yearn to hear will be my sole reward. The path I take has been prepared for me by my own actions in prior games and in the first half of this game. So it is safe to say that my current activities and actions will be realized tomorrow.

“Now I choose to have it no other way"