Am I paranoid ?

.
 [ this was penned many moons ago but as I am again conflicted emotionally it is rather apt. You would think at the ripe old age of 50 yrs I would have learnt, but apparently not ... ]



Wow! Time is the most precious commodity we as humans have and it flies without concern or gratitude to or for this world. I have come to realize that you can indeed compress immense portions of life into a very short space in time and still fall in love and just as easily fall out of love within this period. Firstly I don’t think I have fallen out of love but rather put a check on my free flowing emotions.

The reason I have been so quiet lately is purely for the fact that I tried the emotionless relationship of companionship only with a wonderful person indeed. It worked for awhile but inherently people need more than that to survive and well an ‘ex lover’ returned and proved to be a bigger pull than I had on her, and she returned to him with some tears and I have no doubt some gratitude for having a mission in life to work on again. Casual relationships only fill a certain need in ones heart. If you are looking for the whole trip then you need to be on the same wavelength as a potential partner. Well there I was friendless and pining for the right one and spent many hours, days and weeks leading into months reading and writing my heart into passion and cheap thrills, but all this to no avail. After loosing what I had I finally made a decision and ventured out and having placed my heart on my sleeve for the first time in many years I thought I would advertise the fact that I had a heart to swop for a like minded person who wished to trade their heart for mine and we would act as benefactors or custodians of each others most precious item. I found the most adorable person I could hope to meet and we treaded carefully for several months before meeting and when we did we were both hooked.

Being of certain age and experience we decided to take things slowly which we did and to date it has been a wondrous affair of old. You remember your folks talking of the ‘old’ days when they courted and it was such a grand affair and worthwhile past time. Well we were fine, and in tune. I likened it to an old pair of gloves that just seemed to fit the hands of the wearer immediately and bought memories and emotions flooding back of that first kiss, the first close dance and then obviously the first venture into the core of reasons why two lovers get together. It was to say the least a bit overwhelming and I found out that ‘puppy’ love is not a teenage obsession or right as I often thought after becoming an adult. My palms perspired constantly, and my stomach muscles became sore from holding it in all the time I was in her company. I would babble just to stay a bit longer to chat. I knew I should leave but couldn’t face saying goodbye, even if it was for a few days. I bought a new wardrobe as she was to be impressed at every turn and I thrived on her communications.

But yes I am sure you get the drift, I was besotted and rightly so as she is simply amazing. Now as crazy as this seems this all happened unexpectedly and all this took place over a three month period of which the first two were via emails and the internet chat rooms. The third and last month we met one Saturday morning for coffee. She wore white and brown designer sport shoes, jeans and a loose white jersey type top. You know the baseball jersey type, cotton and comfortable. I saw her coming down the escalator and knew that I was about to fall in love. Needless to say we hit it off and numerous meetings, diners and movies generated an easy going path of discovery and it fitted so well I was really afraid of how good it felt. We both took it easy and peered into each others lives and environments with feelings you could liken to kids at Christmas time opening presents and discovering that the presents exceed their wish list sent to Santa.

Here is the crunch! One month from our first meeting in person we arrange to get together for a coffee and a meal at ‘our’ coffee shop. That afternoon I arranged to reserve the same table even though they do not usually do it and after the manageress heard my reasoning she quickly made the arrangements and assured me all would be ok. I swung by the movie houses and collected two tickets to an animated movie “WALL-E” I bought the most exquisite yellow roses with a red rim around each flower and put on the best jacket and jeans, trimmed the beard, splashed on some stinky stuff and as always made my way through to her side of town early. During the course of the day I had planned to get a bit more serious with regards to our relationship with respect to starting to meet friends and family etc so I was nervous and all. Being her side of town so close to her but not able to just drop in until the pre arranged hour drove me crazy and yet it really felt good.

Well ten minutes prior to the pick up an sms comes through saying she is sorry but tonight is off. She would explain latter. Damn my heart missed a beat, what had happened? I saw in my minds eye a family death or son arrested or in an accident of some kind. I imagined her at a hospital somewhere with a sick friend. I did not phone but rather sms’ed back offering any assistance that she may need. No reply ! I hung around in the neighborhood waiting for a sms or call to explain for almost an hour and then decided that she may not even be at home so what was the use? On my return home my mind started ticking over and being rather practical and analytical in nature I eliminated all the possibilities of family or friend being ill and came to two possible explanations or conclusions. The first was that her son had been arrested or somehow got involved with something potentially embarrassing that she could not share with me or that secondly an old flame had pitched up and she was with him. It was the only two logical explanations I could come up with because anything else would have been in the sms. “Friend ill cant make it sorry or “Problem at home cant make it sorry”

So I headed off to ‘our’ coffee shop with the flowers laying scattered on the highway just opposite the PPC factory. I ate a meal fit for a king alone at ‘our’ table and went to the movie as planned. I hardly enjoyed it with an open seat next to me but watched anyway. I headed off for coffee and ice cream with chocolate sauce as we once did and returned home. I climbed into bed but got no sleep. I spent Sunday waiting for a sms or a call of explanation, mostly out of concern for her wellbeing and partly to confirm my fears. Sunday came and went Monday, Tuesday and then Wednesday I sms a request to get together. We met Thursday evening at her place. Very reserved and quiet approach and one of my first questions was “Are we still alright” Yes definitely was her reply but it lacked conviction and then I knew my enchanted spell had just been broken. I so wanted to run and hide my foolish head in the sand. I asked her instead about Saturday night and she said that she had received a call from an ex who was stranded at the airport and she went through to pick him up and offer him a place to stay.

Believe it or not I could have handled that if she had told me on Saturday night, and even accepted that for what it was, but not six days later. I asked her the confirmation question about her feelings for him kind of knowing that it was the death throw question in my mind namely either a yes or maybe would seal my fate. She hesitated and in that moment of hesitation I had my answer. She said she was not sure. I pathetically and lamely told her to take a week or two to confirm her feelings and even though I stayed and chatted awhile I felt sick to the core. I hugged her goodbye and told her that she was loved and left. And here I sit not knowing what to think or what to do as this is the first weekend I have not been looking forward to since I met her. The thought of her entertaining someone else’s emotions is killing me. And believe it or not I honestly hope she finds the happiness she so deserves, as she is the most awesome person I have met. I can hold no grudge or ill thought as she is still the woman I met at ‘our’ coffee shop and meant so much to me albeit for a very short while in my life. Will we get together again? I am at this stage not sure if I can handle being second best.

I am the type of person who is everything or nothing both in giving and receiving so emotionally I am seriously confused. My heart and my mind are having this ‘bastard’ slapping contest with respect to what each one wants what and how they should claim it. It will be awhile before I wear my heart out in the open again. It seems that I can not shake the ‘old’ me off his perch. If you ever get to read this Ness I meant it when I told you, you are loved and ask anyone that knows me longer than a few weeks and they will tell you those are words that do not easily pass through my lips. May God shower you with his grace and He may take my allocated portion for you to have too. I miss you already and all I ask is that you ensure that ‘he’ treats you like the princess you are. Demand respect and love at every turn, as that is what you are due.


...