CARDS ON THE TABLE...

I have a storm of emotions flowing through me right now, and even though i realise this may not be the ideal time to type out or pen a response as it will be tainted with emotion, here goes...

I have a soul, a heart and a mind, all of which are designed to exist or co-exist with the rest of this world. My motives have been bought into question regarding a relationship and my concern for someone has been mistakenly viewed as indecision or lack of conviction. I am now unsure as to the exact wording but it seems to be along those lines...

So here is a statement which may or may not clarify matters, this also concludes my final justification exercise on the matter. I am a natural born lover. Not the lover that springs to every ones mind but rather a lover of life. I have an immense pent up energy and desire to love what i do, love who i am with, love my location on earth and above love for what i perceive as my Master or keeper or God whichever closest relates to your beliefs.

So here is a woman that i met on a beach in Texas on the gulf of Mexico whilst touring the states. I admired her, i respected her and i grew to love her. It was a lost cause from the very beginning and we both acknowledged that fact, me more so it would seem than she. I likened it to ships bumping in the night a statement that she did not approve of. Any way we bumped several times in the following two months and grew from interested to passionate to familiar and so started a wonderful, albeit short affair. By my very nature i draw out the good and the "Wow" factors and rejoice at this chance meeting and subsequent friendship. I was touring the states on borrowed money and time so i had certain obligations to respectfully fulfil. Which i may add i fulfilled to the best of my ability.

I loved her company and adored her time and we holed up in her apartment and only ventured outdoors to swim and take strolls along the Trinity river in Fort Worth Texas. I took her to lunch on top of the world in Dallas Texas to capture the moment, it was sooooo good. My having to leave the states due to visa restraints and obligations back home threw a dampener on matters but we sort of looked ahead and speculated about a possible return. Even though a return in the very near future was unlikely due to various factors it was the spurt that we needed to remain in that circle of love and enjoyment.

I left and returned home to a scenario which required me to move in with my folks and help them out which was not my intention but something every child should hope for with respect to paying of karmic debt and a token of our love for our parents. So my return to the states has been pushed back by who knows how many months or years. This i see as fact and not having any choice in the matter decide to utter the words to my lover that " i do not want to disappoint you" - you must move on etc. Not the easiest thing to say when you find someone who loves you for you, not the car you drive or the house you own, or for that matter what your company is worth but rather just you.

Maybe i am a realist or maybe i am a cold blooded monster who knows, if i cannot have the ideal relationship with my lover, then this question begs an answer, "Why should i occupy a space that someone else could fill, the same if not better than yours truly." I cannot provide for you at this time - is that so hard a statement or concept to understand? Do i love her - YES - can i possibly be with her - NO. How hard are we going to make the decision....? We can be friends for the rest of our lives, or we can ignore one another and cry into our pillows each night.

Love what we had and move on, do what you wish with the memories, burn them, cherish them, use them as milestones but whatever you do don't trash them.

and i quote...

"As of late, the men in my life are disappointing."

end quote...

As I told you before, we were given a gift, of three very special weeks, it has been my experience that those few short moments in our entire lives cause personality shifts that affect us forever. The decision lies with you on which end of the stick to hold. Our end or the short end of the stick...?

Written with all my love and compassion for your struggle...

To the moon and back... M.E.