I am rattled ...

I write this bit with a heart filled with doubt and a mind that ceases to remain still. How far do we let our mind and heart get involved with a new passion. The passion is or has always been there but how much of it do we use when confronted with someone new or perhaps a new set of rules, or scenario? I fear i may have been over eager or pushed a certain someone to fast?..... or more than likely expected too much or in my case wished too much???

I have been exposed to the best and worst in life and find myself striving for something more, something with as eager an attitude as i seem to have. I find that i have so much to share, so much to explore and again so much that i still need to get done.... The question that fills my head right now is this; does anyone care ??? I mean people write and people tell me that they want this or that and i listen and can appreciate where they are and on most occasions have some insight or have experienced something similar which allows me comment inteligently and more often than not with conviction and surety that eases many people... Are we bound to this world to use and abuse? Strange question i know but i am concerned that i may be going through life with this entirely false hope that there is a human reason to all that goes on around us. I have heard it said that we are not humans having a spiritual experience but rather spiritual beings having a human experience. If that be so then i will bear with anything life throws at me. My human side hates it with a passion but i firmly believe that i grow spiritually every time i go through a tough patch. This patch is all of twelve hours old but it shakes my belief and thought process into utter dissaray and i hate the helpless feeling that goes with it. It brings everything i have hoped for and everything i have experienced over the recent few months into question...

Am i being paranoid? Am i justified in my concernes or am i just a hopeless romantic that let feelings cloud my usually level approach to such affairs of the heart. Am i doomed to go through this loop time and time again. Do other people go through similar fears and concerns, or is it a simple matter of too much attention given to too little a subject. Affairs of the heart are no small matter to me and paranoid or not they strike to the core when doubt creeps in. I would hate to close my heart to outsiders again for any period of time but if my mind continues this endless route of self examination or doubt then it will drive me crazy. I find myself doubting my own value.... I have had enough of that in my short lifetime. So i am faced with a scenario where i 'assumed' i had attained a certain level within someones heart and reveled in the ecstacy i felt. Now not a word has passed since an sms recieved and find myself on the edge of my seat with concern, worry and a certain apprehension as to the cause of the sms. And yes a quick call would solve a lot and possibly ease this mindless track i am on. But herein lies the dillema, as the next obvious step would be to recieve a call of explanation or at least an sms of reasurance that all is ok.

Again i ask, am i expecting too much? The answer to that is irrelevant if the heart is not in the same sphere or space as mine and is it my imagination or my longing that assumed hers was in the same space? I find that i imagine a dreadful personal tragedy may have fallen upon her, or an 'ex' that she has been waiting for has returned unexpectadly. At this stage it is partly a wasted excercise and i will no doubt learn the truth over the next few days. Either way i am rattled...